Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
