Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i think i have two assholes
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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