Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
