I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
