Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
