Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
