I bet he comes in French.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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