well I can't set my house on fire every night
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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