My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
