but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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