White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
