I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
