I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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