before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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