Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
