My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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