I met the friendliest cop last night
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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