You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
