I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
