at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
