she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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