he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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