Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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