your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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