Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
