I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
