I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
