Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
