i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
