Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
the liver wants what the liver wants
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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