I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
