Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
