Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
