I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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