theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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