Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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