if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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