You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
