rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Too much gin, very little bucket
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Still dying that you shit outside
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
