Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
4 words: hood of his car
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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