I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
