it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Randomize
