i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
