just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
