My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
