Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
