I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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