I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
