Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
