So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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