He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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