Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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