I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize