That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
