if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
