ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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