bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
