My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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